Being Inconsistent In My Relationship With The Lord

Inconsistency with the Lord can occur, and it’s okay because we have a Father who is ready to help us. In this writing, I will be sharing eight inconsistencies that have been hindering my relationship with Jesus. Then I will briefly share some ways to remain consistent in Him.

One day, I woke up, feeling the same way—hopeless. Soon after, I felt the Holy Spirit bring up the word inconsistency. Then He had me unpack inconsistencies that have been hindering my relationship with Him. Jesus understands in His wisdom the inconsistencies we may face and wants to help us recognize and remove those barriers. In turn, being pulled closer to Him and remain consistent in His Love. When He placed the word inconsistency in my mind, I felt a sense of relief and peace wash over me. His conviction washed away the self-condemnation.

I will be sharing eight reasons why I have been inconsistent in my relationship with the Lord. You may resonate, you may not. The Lord may reveal inconsistencies between the two of you, and if He does, it is to uplift you. These revelations are to help us identify what may hindering our way of fulfilling our promise to the Lord. Convictions from the Lord are always a blessing. He only wants what’s best for us—Hebrews 12:10–11. He disciplines those He loves—Proverbs 3:12. But the enemy delights in causing us harm, anything to pull us away from our walk with the Lord.

So, let us find these inconsistencies with our Heavenly Father to help us combat these inconsistencies. In the end, consistency is the key to maintaining a relationship with the Lord.

Inconsistency can open doors for the enemy that draw us further away from our Heavenly Father.

What does it mean to be inconsistent?

A simple Google search defines the word inconsistent as “not staying the same throughout.” To me, this makes sense when it comes to my relationship with the Lord. Ever since I gave my life to Christ, I have “not been the same throughout.”

By the grace of God, He brought up the inconsistencies that have been preventing me from remaining solely in Him.

Eight reasons why I have not been “staying the same throughout” my relationship with Jesus

Lifestyle change—Romans 6:11 | Romans 7:14–25 | 2 Corinthians 5:16–18
Traumatic events
Never experiencing a loving relationship—Psalm 91:4 | 1 John 3:16 |
Battling with mental health diagnoses
Battling with suicidal thoughts and attempts—Matthew 4:6
Attacks from the enemy—Timothy 4:18
Dealing with identity shame
Being in an unhealthy environment

I will do my best to explain how each reason has been causing inconsistencies in my relationship with the Lord. Please bear with me.

1—Lifestyle Change

Coming to Christ has been a lifestyle change for me, personally coming to know Him when I was twenty-two. I gave my life to Jesus when I was twenty-three. I made a public declaration of my faith in Jesus when I was twenty-four. Before twenty-two, I did not know Jesus the way I know Him today. Before twenty-two, I was a sinner. The Lord revealed to me that a relationship with God through faith in Jesus by the indwelling of the Holy Spirit is a lifestyle change. It is a lifelong journey. I have been spiritually dead for twenty-two years, so I have a lot of unlearning to do.

Coming to Christ, I tried to be as pure as possible which only brought me closer to self-destruction and then back into sin. But I am learning that I need to go to God as I am, confessing with my lips that I struggle with sin, and will never be pure. If I want to be consistent in God, I need to continue confessing and accept that I will slip and fall but I now have a Saviour to catch me, eventually being kept in His arms for eternity.

I long to be fully and solely devoted to Jesus—1 Timothy 4:8, but I have this thought that I need to be perfect before that can happen. Thinking I have to be perfect in order to remain consistent just adds to my expected overnight changes in Christ. I had this idea that coming to Christ would be a quick fix to all my pain, but if Christ suffered here on earth, what makes me think I won’t—1 Peter 4:1–3?

I am in Christ, so I bear the marks of Christ on my body—Galatians 6:17. As someone who has been in the world for twenty-two years, I understand that it will take time to unlearn the lies of the flesh and learn the truths of the Spirit. It will take time to be more humble if pride was my default for twenty-two years.

Regardless of where you are at in your relationship with the Lord, it is a lifestyle change. We were independent from God since the beginning. We were born into sin, so it is our default, but because of what Jesus did on the cross, we are cleansed from sin. Even though this lifestyle change brings up inconsistency, I know who I stand in, and that is Jesus Christ.

Jesus is NOT religion; Jesus is God.
Jesus is NOT religion; Jesus is a relationship.
Jesus is NOT religion; Jesus came to end religion.

2—Traumatic Events

As someone who has experienced complex, ongoing, consistent abuse, every time a memory arises or a flashback occurs, it almost immediately pulls me away from Jesus. When I spend time with the Lord and painful experiences arise, I push Him out. I know He does not hate me, but I hate me. Where does this self-hatred derive from? The hate received by my “parents and family.” The abuse was so much that pain is all I feel. To experience God’s Love is nearly impossible to my human brain because of that pain.

Isolation has been a trauma response to the abuse I endured. Having a God who desires to be there for me 25/8 is difficult to adapt to and accept. I push Him out because I do not believe I deserve to have anyone in my life. Why would the Lord care for me?

It is so difficult to wrap my head around the truth that my Lord is committed to this relationship with me. He never leaves me, nor forsakes me. I get so frustrated and angry, then frustrated and angry at God for creating me, for loving me. “Why do You love me? Why do You care for me?” Yes, these thoughts arise because of the wounds I still carry with me from the abuse and neglect. I have sought tremendous amounts of support and help to heal and recover, but being abused for over fourteen years won’t disappear overnight. As mentioned in the previous reason, I thought giving my life to Christ would take away the pain, but if anything, the pain intensified.

I know it’s the adversary trying to meddle in my relationship with God, and I’ve allowed him to meddle. I believe his lies that I deserve to be dead. Truly, I am learning that I have been given authority over satan, but to have authority over someone or something seems foreign, as I was always the inferior one. The one in some sort of power dynamic where it was the other party that held all the power, using that power to use and abuse me in nasty ways.

The truth is, I want to dwell in the Lord’s love for me, but I don’t know how. I believe He created me because He saw something in me that brought joy to His eyes, but I don’t know how to see my worth. The trauma creates a huge barrier in remaining in my Saviour.

3—Never Experiencing A Loving Relationship

The fear of commitment goes hand in hand in my inconsistency with the Lord. I have an intense fear of committing to any human relationship, which blocks me from staying consistent in my relationship with the Lord. I never experienced a loving relationship, except for the relationship I have with my partner. The relationship I have with myself is not all loving; it’s all hating. I become confused because if I don’t know how to love myself, how can I love my partner or love God?

Truth is, I love my partner, and I truly love Jesus. Fear from the past is what stops me from fully embracing love, period. I know I have a loving heart, but it’s been destroyed by the people who abused and tortured me throughout my life. My partner has provided an abundance of love, but again, I question why he would love me or want to be with me. Why would a single soul want to even interact with me, let alone be in my presence?

The relationships I was in growing up were full of hate and resentment. My family made it clear to me with their words and actions that I was a burden. I know Christ loves me, but it is difficult to consistently go to Him. If I struggle with receiving love from a human, how can I receive the love of Christ that’s so abounding? Even worse, if I cannot love myself, how can I accept God’s love for me? I know God’s love overfills the love I am lacking for myself, but this is a huge barrier to getting intimate with God.

Committing to Jesus scares me because it means putting my trust into the Creator. Taking the dependence off myself and depending on someone else, something I still struggle to do with my partner. To commit to Jesus is to remove my self-control and allow the Creator to be in the driver’s seat to guide me. Trusting that He is guiding me in a safe direction.

Being in power dynamics when the other person took full control was fear-inducing. It resulted in emotional and physical pain, which has led to my now inconsistent relationship with the Lord. I was literally pushed down a flight of stairs before the age of four by someone who had authority over me, locking me up for hours and forcing me to stay quiet forever. So yeah, a loving relationship is foreign to me, but I know I need to keep running to God no matter how scary it is.

God is God, not human like us, and even when He became human, He was like no other human. He was the perfect, loving human.

4—Battling With Mental Health Diagnoses

Battling with the mind has been the most debilitating pain I may have ever experienced. To have a mind that is against you is excruciating.

Growing up, those who abused me instilled such nasty thoughts into my mind, whether it be their physical words or physical actions. As a child, these thoughts dictated my every move up until now. It wasn’t until I was twenty-one that I was revealed of my history of childhood abuse. Being revealed of this brought instant relief but long-lasting turmoil as I was revealed to the root of why I suffered so intensely with my mind.

I was diagnosed with many mental health conditions, and the journey to figuring out these conditions added more scrutiny. I know that the root cause is what I need to focus on, not the diagnosis. The diagnosis is there to help me navigate the deeper hidden truths waiting to be unpacked and tossed in the garbage. But I keep dumpster diving and tend to stay in the dumpster because I believe I am just this mentally fucked up person. This hugely pulls me away from the Lord. I can go days without being in the Lord, but the Holy Spirit is so good that even when I go through these periods, I can feel Him ever so strongly, just hovering over me. His love just washes over me, but I diminish Him because of how stuck I become in the pain I’ve experienced, believing I deserve to be dead.

This is serious, and if you’re someone who battles with the mind, please know that God provides mental health professionals to assist us when we need it the most. It doesn’t mean we stop relying on Him, but it’s so we can rely on Him more. I sought therapy to a point where I finally felt the Holy Spirit guide me to stop seeing my therapist and rely on Him, and if I ever need to see her, she’s always there. Plus, I have a lot of other supports that God tells me to keep and seek when I need it. He continually provides support for me, and the support He provides make me stronger.

Diagnoses can change over time, symptoms can come and go, and remissions can happen, but I was placing my identity on a diagnosis. I had mental health professionals tell me to focus on the root, not the diagnoses, but I felt like if I didn’t have a diagnosis, I had no identity. It’s not healthy I know, so I did a lot of reflecting with the Holy Spirit to unpack why I felt like I had to have a diagnosis. One part had to do with societal stigma, and the other stemming from the abuse I endured throughout my life. Mental health conditions are serious and lead to extreme hopelessness and emptiness, something I still face daily. The majority of the days, I wish to not be here, but coming to know Christ. I know I cannot disobey Him and end my life; otherwise, I would’ve done it.

P.S. Suicide is not cowardliness.

5—Battling With Suicidal Thoughts And Attempts

The stereotypes and stigma around suicide just make me want to disappear for good. I’ve battled with suicidal ideation for many years. I’ve attempted suicide in secret and in light. Recently, the ideation has been turned up a notch, distancing me from the Lord. The recent times have caught me off guard, believing it to be attacks from the evil one. I know my Lord also faced attacks from the evil one when it came to suicide—Matthew 4:6, so I know I can confide in Him, yet I hide my true feelings, being afraid to take up my cross and follow Him—Mark 8:34.

A huge hindrance to me being vulnerable from my heart is, again, the abuse I experienced in my life. What I’ve gone through made me see no point to life; it crushed my soul, and now, I can’t even see the life Christ has given me because I’m stuck in the core belief that I deserve to be dead, that I deserve to be punished. I pray and rebuke as much as I can, but a part of me lacks faith that I’ll ever be free from suicide. This is a huge inconsistency, and for anyone reading this and battling with suicidal ideation, please know God does not judge you or think less of you.

He loves you so much and understands the pain you are dealing with. He wants you to live because He purposed your life for joy, not death. It would break Him to see you gone. When He created you, He knew the life He had purposed for you. It’s not easy, but with the Lord, we have someone who can help us overcome these painful burdens. Someone who will cry with us, comfort us, and never leave us during these painful times.

6—Attacks From The Enemy

The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy—John 10:10. Yes, he literally comes to kill, steal and destroy. I battle with intrusive thoughts on a daily basis, and I know that those intrusive thoughts stem mainly from the abuse, which the enemy uses to stray me away from my relationship with Christ. He takes the pain I have suffered and throws me into believing a pit of lies.

When God points me in the direction of success, the enemy pops in and reminds me of something from childhood. “Who do you think you are to want success? You can’t sing. You’re nothing.” These thoughts then trap me in the past as if the abuse just occurred.

The enemy has been attacking me my whole life, through the actual abuse, mental health conditions and more. The enemy is the root of all sin. He tempted Eve, and sadly, Eve gave in. The enemy, with his crafty ways, lured his way into Eden and tempted us humans into disobeying God. The cycle of sin just carried on from Adam and Eve. God is not a God of evil but of Love. The enemy is the one out here attacking us from every corner. Jesus is so great that the enemy cannot withstand His greatness, so He literally tries everything to destroy Jesus, in turn, destroying His creation.

This is a painful inconsistency to deal with on a daily basis, especially since I’ve been in sin all my life. But I know that Christ will make a way for me to be free from the attacks of the enemy. God has authority over me, not satan. Not anymore.

7—Dealing With Identity Shame

Toxic shame is excruciatingly painful to live with, deal with, and overcome since it’s been there for years. Before I met Christ, I struggled with toxic shame intensely. I saw myself as worthless; I believed that I had no right to be myself, and I always put the opinions and judgments of others before mine. Having the right to decide for myself and have my own beliefs never crossed my mind. To believe in myself, to allow myself to enjoy would be cut out by toxic shame.

Coming to Christ, the shame intensified more. I began believing that I had no right to believe in Jesus, no right to want to live for Jesus. I mean, what would people from my past say? What about the people in my present? A changed Sara was not okay. A healed Sara was not allowed. The mental health diagnoses I received were what people viewed me as. A “mentally ill individual, a suicidal freak.”

This has been a huge inconsistency on my walk with Jesus because as much as I want to live for Him, shame creeps in and knocks me off my feet. It whips my ankles with stones and tells me that if I speak the name of Jesus, people will diss me, mock me, and humiliate me. Then I feel even worse because shame says, “How could you be ashamed of speaking the name of Jesus when Jesus was never ashamed of you? Jesus was rejected, mocked, and humiliated for you, and He bared His crosses. Why can’t you?” It’s a never-ending cycle, and it gets so bad that the intrusive thoughts kick in and say, “You should just kill yourself.”

Identity shame is real, and it’s debilitating when I’ve grown up never having a healthy identity in myself but in the cruel words and actions of those around me. As a kid, our brains are like sponges, and absorbing such harsh words becomes detrimental to our adult years.

I’ve been dealing with shame in my shattered identity, and now I continue to deal with shame in my identity in Christ. I am sick of being ashamed of who I am. Will it ever go away? Yes. How? Jesus.

8—Being In An Unhealthy Environment

The environment one is in can have an impact on their well-being. I have been in such unhealthy and abusive environments that have impacted my well-being. I am currently in an environment that makes me want to hide who I am in Christ, and I don’t want to hide myself regardless of where I am, but I do. The only person I can be the most authentic with about my walk with Jesus is my partner. I tell myself that I should be grateful that I have a roof over my head, but at times, I want to escape. I am literally helpless, but in Christ, I know He will help me.

The shame and guilt creep in. The doubt enlarges that I argue with Christ for not getting me out of here sooner. I know God’s timing is greater than my timing, but I am sick of being in environments that don’t belong to me. Nothing belongs to me, but the roof I am under has always been someone else’s. This just impacts my relationship with God tremendously. I believe that God has been speaking to me even before I became a true believer. Before I left my mom’s house, I was going to begin reading the Word of God, but everything happened so fast that I had no access to His Word. I finally bought one again and began reading it in 2022. But again, that environment was so toxic and manipulative that it impacted me getting to know the true living God.

How I Plan To The Same Throughout My Relationship With The Lord?

Reading the Word of God daily and accountability. Holding myself accountable or finding someone to hold me accountable to these daily readings. Even if it is one verse a day, or one chapter a day. Quality over quantity.
Starting and ending my day with the Lord, even if it saying “Thank You.” Saying thank you to the Lord is powerful. It is acknowledging who He is, and what He has done for us.
Pray without ceasing, and if I don’t know what to say, ask the Holy Spirit to intercede. It’s okay to not know because we have an all knowing Father. Even if it seems like the wrong words are coming out, God understands what our heart is trying to say. There is no right or wrong with God.
Serving God publicly, so I can be around trusted fellow believers to grow and learn from. This is something I do not do, but know God wants me to pull me out of my comfort zone, and show me my full potential in Him.
Being a part of a small group of believers. This also pulls me out of my comfort zone, and allows me to trust that God will provide safe people for me to be around.
Continue seeking support for the trauma wounds I carry. Letting God lead me into the right support.
Seeking a woman of God mentor. It’s up to you what gender of a mentor you desire, but I’m assuming that if you’re a male, you would want a male mentor, and if you’re a female, you would want a female mentor.
Removing distractions and asking God to remove temptations from my life.
Confessing my sins daily, and asking God to break me from habitual sin or sins.

Conclusion

The Lord continues to reveal more inconsistencies that hinder my relationship with Him, but these are the eight I felt the need to share. In the end, this relationship with Jesus is not linear. If it were linear, how could we grow in Christ? This relationship is nonlinear, but the key is being able to stay the same throughout. It means being able to run back to Christ every time, no matter what the situation. Through all these inconsistencies, the Lord wants me to prioritize Him before anything else, knowing that He is my backbone, catching me when I fall.

We have a Father who knows us like no other. He will never judge us for being human. He was human, so He knows exactly what we are experiencing. No one else can better relate to us than Jesus. I pray that those who have come across this post will run to the Lord and allow the precious blood of Jesus to cover you from the inconsistencies of the flesh. You are loved by God, and if you are not yet saved and desire to be, I pray that Jesus will reveal Himself to you, showing you who He truly is, not who the world says He is. The blood of Jesus be over you. Amen, and thank You, Jesus.